Romeo Rex
And so it is that, twice a year, the otherwise agreeable bitches from up the road go into heat. A natural fact that makes for very special moments in our country home.
First, it provides the opportunity to catch a rare glimpse of every single “intact” male dog that resides within a 5-mile radius, and to delight in the sight of all 73 of them taking up a strategic position of longing in the yard – whilst also posing their signature upon our shrubbery and pretty much everything else above sea level.
But above all, it is a momentous time for our Oliver who will spend the next ten days pacing the rooms, whimpering and panting, not eating, making lewd gestures astride the cats, gnawing anxiously on table legs and passers-by, and peering hungrily out of windows – his gaze so intent that it cannot help but call to mind the image of Harold Bloom scanning the book review pages for something to disagree with.
From time to time throughout the day, the agitation will cease for O to pause three seconds and a half. Then comes the chilling full-throttle howl – a love-sick lament worthy of skirt-chasing wolves in the tundra – forcing every hair on your body reach for the sky.
(The variations in pitch would no doubt thrill the budding musicologist – us, not so much.)
The unsettling threnody having run its course, the whimpering and humping of small visiting children will resume.
Despite his alarming size, Hugo is not yet of an age to be so, uh, focused but, never one to forego the opportunity to act like a total dickhead, will join in the presiding fever and ambush all rooms at a pounce, barking and yelping, his entire backside a waggle of glee… certain it’s been hours since he’s had so much fun.
It is at this point that distraught owners might begin looking in the Yellow Pages under Doggie hookers.
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Comment
- This past week CBC Radio had a piece on Vick’s Vapour Rub. At least 2 callers (a dog breeder and a horse breeder) told of using Vick’s on the noses of males so they would not be able to smell females in heat. Thought I would pass this along in case you wanted to preserve table legs and small children.
— Donna Jan 18, 5:30pm # - Huh… thanks for the tip; we’ll give it a try.
— gail Jan 19, 5:13am # - Careful. The Vicks trick, if it doesn’t work, might just mess with fond memories. The next time you smell it, your mind wanders: childhood… sniffles… warm bed… soup… no school… sexually excited dog… WAIT!
Also, what happens if the dog starts to associate desire with Vicks? What then, eh? “Down, boy! It’s just a cold, dammit!”
— Eeksy-Peeksy Jan 20, 11:06am # - I can report that he spent an hour licking the vapo-rub off his nose (long tongues, those weims) before getting back to the serious business of whimpering, peering out one window then clattering across the house to peer out another, and trying to hump Hugo.
Powerful hormones in the air, ah reckon.
— Dean Allen Jan 20, 12:44pm # - Give Paris Hilton a call.
— beerzie boy Jan 20, 2:39pm # - When I read the first sentence of this post I thought, however improbably, that you somehow knew some neighbors of ours. Imagine the relief, when I read on. (I wouldn’t wish these women on anyone).
— peggy Jan 21, 3:33pm # - Oh, Peggy, I’m doing my very best not to form a mental picture. But still I suspect that leopard skin spandex is somehow involved.
— gail Jan 23, 12:51pm #
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