Mme Zuzu’s predictions for the coming year
1) Britney Spears will name her child Cocteau, and everyone will think, Oh, hey, that’s kind of cool. Later Britney will be overheard saying, ‘Oh, yeah? So how do you spell cookie dough?’
2) Bebe Buell will write another tell-all bio about how she also slept with the entire cast of Different Strokes.
3) Chanel/Hugo Boss-scented baby-wipes.
4) Designer trash bags.
5) There will be sequels that are even worse than the originals which really sucked.
6) The EU will encounter some administrative snags.
7) It will snow in Greenland.
8) The Ukraine will feel the wrath.
9) Prada’s fall line: homeless chic.
10) Blockbuster of the year: Al-Quake. A few brave, hunky men and one really hot chick/meteorologist enter into a battle of wits with a band of ugly, insane terrorists wreaking havoc around the globe by triggering a series of “natural” disasters.
11) Rightwing webidiots (rwwi) will hold this up as proof of their deepest suspicions, and all will agree that they gotta so totally aradikate these f***in tsunami-inducin towelhead lizards now!!
12) Eager for attention, a leftwing webidiot (lwwi) will call them foamy-mouthed fools, and will write a long-winded piece, supplying forty links to scientific sites that indicate why such a feat is not possible. His readership will skyrocket for a week, then dwindle back down to fifteen rabid supporters, one of whom he will date briefly.
13) The rwwi will flood the lwwi’s comments section and e-mail with threats of maiming his dog and girlfriend and stringing him up by the balls with the flag of the country he so obviosly hates and should leeve. Throughout the year, it will never occur to them that there is an unsettling dichotomy between their puerile aggression and eager ignorance, and their claims to second-hand heroism and love of democracy.
14) One week later, the entire episode will have been forgotten.
15) While watching a victory parade on his classroom’s TV, a child will cry out, ‘But, the Emperor has no clothes.’ His parents will be sent a note of reprimand.
16) Coming home very late one night, a little high and having just been dumped by the girl he was certain was the one, a young man will write a perfect and beautiful love song.
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Comment
- Hey Dean! Get your own weblog, man!
— Simon Dec 28, 6:51pm # - I’ll take that as a compliment.
Oh, sorry, was that a prediction?
— gail Dec 28, 7:07pm # - Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t intended as an insult. But let’s hope it’s a prediction, shall we?
— Simon Dec 28, 10:11pm # - 17) A serious crime (treason? a lucrative con? a thorough and lasting character assassination?) is committed on a blog. Freedom-of-speech legislation amended to prevent recurrence.
18) Anti-globalization protesters burn designer trashbag. Freedom-of-speech legislation amended to prevent recurrence.
19) Britney and baby Cocktoe perform cover version of aforementioned perfect and beautiful love song at MTV awards. Freedom-of-speech legislation amended to prevent recurrence.
20) Trend towards secularism continues in Europe and America.
21) More people in Europe and America report that they go to church than ever before.
21) Numbering errors found in list of predictions
— Zac Dec 29, 12:22am # - “16) Coming home very late one night, a little high and having just been dumped by the girl he was certain was the one, a young man will write a perfect and beautiful love song.”
Oof. Nick Drake, anyone? “Which Will” is the all-time classic of the genre, if you ask me. But here’s my own entry anyway:
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~ashaver/mp3/goin/goin.html
— Andy Dec 29, 8:01am # - Nice subtle misspellings in prediction #13!
i wish these were more outlandish than i fear they are. i mean, there probably WILL be Hugo Boss-scented baby wipes.
Happy New Year to all.
— Amy H. Dec 30, 12:49am # - Mme Bean predicts:
1) that the new teen trend in self-mutilation, having one’s pinkie removed, will take acne nation by storm. I can hear the whining now:
Teenage girl: “Pleeese. It’s no big deal, Mom. I never use it, I swear to god. OK, if I tape it up and don’t use it for whole week, THEN can I get it off? ...
2) One of the lovely taupe animals now residing chez Gail et Dean will father a litter of puppies, hopefully not poodaraners or weimaroodles.
3) Gucci-patterned Depends will hit the market.
4) Bushco will propose legislation mandating that no child be Left. Teachers will be given scripts to read in front of the class, in order to make sure that they are teaching standards, and not getting into any murky areas, or preaching any of those Leftist ideas to our youth. ‘Let’s stay on message here, People.’
5) A new line of male mannequins will be targeted to upscale boutiques. They will have erections under their clothing.
— wizmo Dec 30, 7:08am # - I wiped off the monitor, but there isn’t much hope for the tea-spattered keyboard. Thanks.
— Sheila Kelly Dec 30, 6:21pm # - 1) Hummer Station Wagons, for the well-heeled, expectant young rwwi couples.
2) Condoleezza Rice’s “Cooking With Mushrooms” tops the bestseller lists in February, despite her refusal to promote the book in public.
3) Scrabble releases “George W. Bush” edition. From the rule book: “Make up words! Stump your educated opponents! Who gives a shit?! Freedum rools!” Game features 1,000 points of light poynts for words of five letters or moor.
4) American Washington press corps required to sit naked during Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Gonzales, Goss press conferences, be pelted by “neener-neeners,” from arrogant fully-clothed, indifferent leaders, and still moo so contentedly.
5) The “Falwell Burger,” featuring his world-famous Sarcasm Sauce. No carbs, no gay toppings, no pesky nutrition whatsoever. Just yummy pig fat for the whole family. Wheeee!
6) Bill Frist Action Figures. Collect ‘em all: Doctor Bill, Senator Bill, Bill-Killing Bill. All with non-blinking eyes and perfect hair!
7) a smile for Gail and the young man who writes that song…
— peggy Dec 31, 5:34pm # - Al Jarreau will be detained.
— eeksypeeksy Jan 1, 10:33am # - this is my first visit to your site, thanks to dooce’s “femelist”. just wanted to say hi and thanks for a great post.
also, where are you in the south of france?? i lived in lyon for 5 years (just moved back to the states in august). i hope you’re enjoying it. france is the home of my heart, even if my passport says otherwise.
bonne année !!
— romy Jan 2, 2:05am # - LOL I would have to say the first one, about Britney Spears was by far my favorite, LOL.
— Allison Jan 3, 5:13am # - 1. An 8 year old girl will be the most famous person on the planet.
2. Something really big will happen in June or July.
3. Brazil something Kenya something something.
4. Canada something.
5. Plastic/metal thing gets real popular.
6. Blogging plateaus.
7. Georgia/South Carolina something.
8. Gabriel Garcia Marquez makes an eloquent statement that even non-literary anglophones find inspirational.
9. The Pope something.
10. Penguins something on April 28. Ongoing.
11. Las Vegas discovered to have exclusive members-only-no-guests underground mirror-city.
12. Euro trades at $2.15 by May
13. Leonardo di Caprio singlehandedly rebuffs kidnapping assault without causing lasting physical harm to his attackers.
14. Textbook publishing company in Texas discovered to have functioned profitably with no active administrative personnel above warehouse foreman for at least two years.
15. So-called “hobbit” fossils prove to be remains of slaughter of hominids in second century b.c. by immigrating human tribe, new skeletons discovered further inland dated 200 years ago. Tourist inundation alters local economy, puts local fauna on endangered list.
16. Self-governing Post-Millenarian Gnostic sect of child prostitutes arrested in Chicago, for blasphemy.
17. In October Extreme Weather Survivor! becomes most popular TV show in US three episodes into its first season after live on-camera deaths of entire cast, who are then replaced by winners of game show contest a la American Idol/WWTBAMillionaire.
18. Natural gas becomes most valuable commodity in global market and public realization of the prescient greed-scramble to control its last reserves creates antipathy toward already dubiously looked-upon world oligarch/plutocrats.
19. 17 year-old South Asian math genius creates 10-meter-square illustration of the descending base of Pascal’s Triangle, with colored pixels replacing individual digits, which causes calm trance-like state in whoever watches it for more than three minutes; increasingly violent religious turmoil follows him wherever he goes.
20. Thermo-nuclear device 200 times larger than the Tsar Bomba is discovered at the bottom of the Mediterranean south-east of Malta, no one claims it; Israeli Army volunteers to retreive it after US declines a U.N. request, C. Rice explaining, “It’s a European problem. The United States prefers not to interfere.”
21. Radiohead/U2/Pink Floyd jam at Avignon in August becomes largest mediated event in history, live full-bandwidth broadcast becomes “The Song”; instantly recorded and owned by everyone who hears it, which is most of the world.
— vernaculo Jan 3, 8:47am # - Romy: we live not far from Avignon, amidst Côtes du Rhone vineyards and Sunday morning hunters high on Pastis.
Come what may, I hope you all have a terrific year full of lovely surprises.
— gail Jan 4, 6:27pm #
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