Yes, I’m sure you would prefer a brand! new! car!
But I haven’t got one to give away (never even owned one, for that matter. Clearly my ties with Oprah are not what I’d thought).
What I do have to give away is a one-year subscription to the London Review of Books. Consistently prickly and erudite, the reviews are often more entertaining than the books themselves.
So, while I’m happy to offer it to the first person who asks (the only condition, I’m told, is that you have to be a never-before subscriber), it would be much more fun to have a contest to see who can write the most unsettling personal ad, of the kind that dwell in the LRB’s back pages.
Here are some (tame) examples to get you started:
Girtonian nymphomniac seeks monogamous relationship with man in suit (expensive cotton shirt helpful), ready to be dishevelled. Literate, elegant male 55-65? Box no. 08/01
I’d like to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Man. 36. Single. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart-attacks. Box no. 09/08
A list of what I’m looking for in a man is displayed on the door of my fridge. You’ll never see it, however, because I locked myself out of my flat at the weekend and will probably have to rent somewhere else for a while. Menopausal woman, 52. Sent my HRT off to Truprint back in January and now spend most evenings staring in despair at seven rolls of unprocessed Christmas film with no hormonal benefits whatsoever. Box no. 09/11
I spent an entire day in the British Library sourcing obscure reference material to cite in this ad, then I lost it all when I stopped off at Burger King on the way home. Man, 34. Box no. 09/12
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Comment
- Ooooooooh. Contest end date/time? (I have to go to work now; pesky 12hr shifts.)
— August May 5, 11:07am # - What does reason demand of a man? A very easy thing—to live in accord with his nature…
Two days of the week, I’ll be everything you want (pre-feminism domestic, fascinated by stadium sports, ornithologically vocal in bed). Two days of the week, you’ll be everything I want (hygienic, compassionate, deranged-but-details-fixated in bed). One day of the week we can try to relate to each other as whole people, without the mind games and role-playing and sexist social issues. Then we’ll take two days apart, to recuperate. Depressingly practical woman, 28, WLTM a man of reason 25-45. No sociopaths, criminals, or church-goers, please.
— Kat May 5, 11:53am # - I am not crazy. Repeat: I am not crazy. As much as I disdain these personal ads and their squalid cheapness (much like, I am told, the gold lamé pantsuit I like to wear 3 days/week on average since 1987), I find that I must place one so that I might have someone with whom to converse. I maintain that my singleness is not my fault and deny the persistent rumor that I smell bad. Woman, 35. Box 00/00
— Jane May 5, 4:07pm # - This is not an entry, but my favorite-ever personal ad went something like this:
Bi-couple seeking like-minded bi-couple for a 4-way. Into whips, chains, SM, bondage. No weirdos, please.
— Stuart Vail May 5, 4:20pm # - I was going to play. Then I read Kat’s entry and realized I was out of my league. The phrase “ornithologically vocal in bed” will be in mind for a while.
— Dale Keiger May 5, 6:45pm # - Hopelessly parenthetical Canadian expat-in-France (F), called ‘gorgeous, smart, funny’, and ‘dishy’ by lyrically-love-besotted presidential types (you know the type), WLTM literate sod (gender negotiable) to bookend a threesome. Object: je ne sais quoi… (Note: must provide your own French-English dictionary.) Those turned on by cold Weimaraner noses given priority.
— michael May 5, 7:06pm # - I’m with Dale. I cannot unsubmit my entry so it languishes there after Kat’s magnificent piece of absurdity.
My [pitiful excuse for an] ad is not about me, by the way. I don’t really own any gold lame clothing and never have. I just want to make that very clear. Really. Stop looking at me like that.
— Jane May 5, 7:12pm # - Male, yeah, 27. Craving for someone to help me end my nail-eating habit. Besides that, we can get together for coffee and see how it goes. Computer and internet profficiency are a plus but not a must. Geek preferrably. PS: You are The One if you loved the monologues of the pvt. Witt in The Thin Red Line.
— fakelso May 5, 8:28pm # - You: Pants Me: Skirt…
— asia May 6, 5:44am # - “Vide earnest, sincere personal in latest New York Review of Books, p. 65, col 4., no. 6. Interpret as LRB reader. Legal release forms: Box 00/11.”
— nick s May 6, 10:27am # - Ha, these are great.
I guess we’ll keep it going till Sunday night, then choose a winner.
It’s going to be tough to outdo Kat & Jane.
— gail May 6, 9:31pm # - SWM ethnomusicologist with a propensity for Tuvan throat singing, aleatoric contra-bassoon quartets, and anything written for the Swedish nyckel-harpa, seeks like-minded SWF to share romantic one-room Outer Hebrides cottage with Mother. Must like pickled meat products, buttermilk, baked elephant garlic, and kohlrabi … and must own car.
— Stuart Vail May 7, 3:02pm # - SWF seeking allergy-free SWM to enjoy luxurious love and affection from playful feline. You are my catnip if you care for long naps in the sun and skinny-dipping at night. Let’s feast on ice-cream and wine and leave the bowls for the cats to clean! Neat freaks need not apply.
— barbara May 7, 6:16pm # - Desperate, lonely, much-abused SWM, 26, suffers from depression, anxiety, herpes, and a stalled literary carreer seeks reasonably neurotic mother-substitute trapped in the body of a 22 year old yoga instructor for interdisciplinary frolicking. Must be willing to accept status of Personal Talisman for Salvation. Must enjoy Faulkner, Chinese films and sleeping under blankets lovingly knitted by ex-girlfriends whose shadows will forever dim the light of our private happiness.
— August May 8, 1:01am # - Rubinesque SM WLTM SF for swim lessons. Have speedo, will travel! Meet you at the beach or public pool for sun, fun and love.
— barb a May 8, 1:40am # - Darn, I didn’t think it would be this tough to decide.
They were all very funny (honourable mention to all for being so frank about your needs, and Michael gets extra points for being a suck-up), but for being so perfectly undesirable, and reminiscent of several unwashed neurotics I’m glad not to know anymore – only just edging out Kat’s careful scheduling and compliant bird calls – the prize goes to August.
— gail May 8, 9:54am # - I think you mean 2 x six months or you’re getting better offers than me. How I love to nitpick. I already have a subscription but just wanted to show off. F 37 needs to get out more box 09/18
— Anne May 8, 12:22pm # - Excellent choice! I could not stop laughing, (Chinese films – and those knitted blankets) I really hope the “reminiscent of unwashed” does not include all of Austin’s confessions. For your own health…
This was a fun exercise. I will subscribe to the LRB to hone my skills. Brand! New! Car! for next year??
— barbara May 8, 1:08pm # - Congratulations August!
— Jane May 8, 3:25pm # - Embarassingly this was a ‘real’ ad that I seriously considered responding to back in my younger and still more foolish university days, only to discover, a year later, that it was a joke ad placed by McGill’s ‘only deliberately funny magazine’:
Burly electrician seeks volulptuous women to share spin-cycle fantasy.
— Krista May 8, 8:25pm # - Oh, wow, thanks! There were so many great entries.
— August May 8, 9:06pm # - Anyone who can come up with “interdisciplinary frolicking… under blankets lovingly knitted by ex-girlfriends” deserves the prize. Congrats!
— Stuart Vail May 9, 3:15pm # - Looking for a medical doctor ( whose name of the trade comes from Vennemann’s recently unearthed proto-vasconic +bede, meaning to render a human being integer, giving Latin +medeeri and Daco-Romanian +bade, as well as Greek +Andromede – an integer womanhood, which is both defective, for it has no perfect, deponent, having no passive, and dual, for its complements are formed with Dative, as well as the Accusative :- )
— irismeister Jun 10, 3:19pm #
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